September 5, 2017

what makes me feel weird or different or isolated...



Today's prompt/nudge from Effy's September blog-along is: What is something you struggle with? What battles are you fighting that most people know nothing about? What’s something about you or your life that makes you feel weird, or different, or isolated?

My past few posts have mentioned a few things I struggle with (such as my severe anxiety), and battles I'm fighting that most people know nothing about (such as the impact of my health issues on my life), so I thought I'd go to the last question in the mix: something about me or my life that makes me feel weird, or different, or isolated.

Actually, there are a few different things that make me feel weird, different, and isolated.

My extreme degree of introversion, for example, combined with being shy (which isn't the same as being introverted) and having social anxiety disorder.

My spirituality of being not either/or... which means I'm a blend that makes some people shy away from me because I'm a Christian but makes certain Christians claim I'm not really a Christian. And it can be hard, and feel lonely, to be in this space.




(For the record... I consider myself Christian because of my lifelong, and very present and strong, relationship to Jesus, not because of any particular church-going-something-or-other. If I had to choose one single "label" to place on myself about my spirituality, it would be to call myself a mystic Christian.)

And then there's the thing the above quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson means to me...

"I dip my pen into the blackest ink, because I'm not afraid of falling into my inkpot."

To be honest, I do have times of being afraid of falling into my inkpot, of falling and not making it back out.

But the main thing - for me - about this quote is the meaning I give to it about going to the dark and the deep places.

I'm not afraid to go deep.

I'm not afraid to explore and examine the shadow.

I'm not afraid to take a good honest look at the difficult questions and the difficult stuff.

I am afraid of bad things happening, and my fear and anxiety can have a big impact on my life.

But in terms of my life, I'm not afraid to do hard and honest self-reflection.

I do shadow work as well as light work.

I have tough conversations with people in my life when it's time for those.

I sometimes say the things no one else in the room wants to say.

(And this can surprise people sometimes, because for so much of the time in my life I've been, and often still am, the "quiet" one.)

I'm a truth-speaker.

(And sometimes that means I become the scapegoat.)

I value deep and true authenticity to such an extent, that I'm willing to risk losing and letting go.

(This means I've paid a price and lost relationships and let go of friendships.)

I'm willing to look at the deep recesses of my own self and my past, and feel the pain - looking the ugly stuff in the eyes, remembering the things I'd rather forget, and finding ways to heal all of that crap.

All of this can make me too much for some people.

Too intense.

Too sensitive.

Too rebellious.

Too eccentric.

Too difficult.

Too emotional.

Too hard to get to know.

Too hard to relate to.

Too weird.

Because of all of this, I do often feel isolated... especially since my extreme introversion combined with social anxiety, can lead to somewhat long hermit-like times in my life.

But one thing I've learned - and I try to remember, although sometimes it's easy for me to forget, especially when I'm feeling too isolated or alone - is that there are more people out there who are like me.

And I've also learned that we all feel weird or different, in our own ways.

We're all in this together.




(I'm blogging along with Effy this month! Want to join in? Just click here.)






14 comments:

  1. I've always been shy, but as I grew older I also became introverted. It never occurred to me that they are different things.
    Many times I feel like I am too much of something for people. I will sometimes get teased for the things that people deem weird about me. And here I thought as adults we are passed all that nonsense.
    I can relate to a lot of what you said here. Here's to being Too Much!

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    1. I also thought as adults we'd be beyond all that nonsense... adulthood has brought its own kind of eye-opening about that over the years. Yes, here's to being Too Much!

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  2. Oh my word, I feel like I could have written a lot of this stuff. I've lost count of the number of Christian "friends", including those from the church I am a member of, who have unfriended me on facebook, presumably for one of the reasons you list above.

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    1. Zoe, I'm sorry about the unfriending. There are *so* many different ideas and thoughts about Christianity, and unfortunately some think their ways/thoughts/beliefs are the only right ones... and other people go in other boxes, and they're not accepted. I'm sending you many good thoughts on your journey. <3

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  3. You're definitely one of my kind. <3

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  4. Can I get an AMEN! Love your writing Gin. It flows so well.

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    1. Amen! <3 Thank you so much for your kind words! <3

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  5. Word! We are all weird in this together. :)

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  6. What a deeply personal and Authentic post... I appreciate authentic... I too have walked away from and lost people and life-long relationships (even today I cannot call them friendships) when I decided I had to start being the REAL me (nothing BIG, just speak my beliefs from a place of love and not going with the flow, but saying how I REALLY feel). It turns out that some people just cannot tolerate the "authentic" me and acceptance only goes one way in their lives ... sigh. I started off feeling like I was the wrong one, the strange one, the weird one and kept apologizing to strangers for who I am, but eventually ended up knowing it wasn't me, but their problem. I am now discovering people that LOVE the REAL ME... Happy DAY! Thanks for Sharing..

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    1. Thank *you* for sharing part of your own experience with this, Lynne. <3 I'm also familiar with having "acceptance only goes one way in their lives" people, and it can be painful especially when I so wish it would be a mutual acceptance. Yay to being the REAL you! <3

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  7. From the way you've described yourself, you'd be a perfect fit of a friend for me....we share a lot in common.

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