September 2, 2017

what I really want...


There are so many things I really want... World peace. Inner peace. Good and wonderful things for my loved ones. Joy. Happiness. Creative and spiritual connection.

But when it comes to a just-me-myself-and-I personal level, and if I break it down to one thing I really really want right now, it would be this:

I want to be healthy.

What used to be a once-in-awhile thing became, a couple of years ago, an almost-daily thing, which led to many doctor appointments and all sorts of tests (everything coming back normal), and is now apparently a chronic new-normal for me.

I mention it at times, usually referring to it as "my balance/equilibrium stuff", although it's sometimes much, much more than that. But very few people know how often and to what extent this impacts my life in big and small ways.

My ego accepting the use of a cane was a small thing. (Although I won't lie - it was a thing for me.)



Other stuff... Well, some of them are much bigger things.

I sometimes have trouble accepting these changes in my life, this change in my health, the way that I sometimes feel so awful, the way I sometimes have such trouble moving around or being able to do things I love to do.

And I sometimes especially have trouble accepting them with grace.

I rail and I fight and I pray.

Sometimes I sob in private with grief. Sometimes I yell at God with anger. Sometimes I tremble inside with fear at what might be ahead with my health.

And when I have days - or even minutes - of feeling well and good, or at least not feeling so bad... I'm so incredibly grateful I can't even describe the depth of it.

Gradually, I've been learning to accept my new-normal more, rail against it less, and make adjustments in my life to do as much as I can.

I find inspiration from people who deal with far more challenges and struggles, and do it with more grace than I often summon.

I continue to work on becoming healthier, and to maintain the health I have.

And if I could be truly healthy again? Yes, please. I really want that. 

But if it doesn't happen? Then I want to live as best I can, and I want to do it with grace.

It's a good bet that this is part of the reason embrace grace was the guiding phrase that came forward for me this year.

A reminder for me to open to receive grace.

A reminder for me to give grace to others.

A reminder for me to give grace to myself.




(I'm blogging along with Effy this month! Want to join in? Just click here.)




33 comments:

  1. So happy to be on this journey with you Gin!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love your honesty, I'm looking forward to seeing where this journey takes us ❤️

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Rachel - I'm looking forward to where this takes us too. ♥

      Delete
  3. Thank you so much for sharing honey, you are brave and stronger than you know. And your cane is fabulous the way you have it all decorated up! I wish you much luck and love on your journey, and I hope that your heath improves and that you find a peaceful calm in your heart... <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Maitri, thank you so much for your kind words and good thoughts! ♥

      Delete
  4. Here's to good health Gin! Love you <3 <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. yes to all of this... the trying to live with gratitude and grace ... the yelling the railing the anger ... the desire ... all of it feels true and real.

    I see you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Cynthia. It feels like I've let myself have a nice exhale, with writing this post and now reading these responses. ♥

      Delete
  6. Hi Gin, nice to meet a fellow Blogalong sister! Health is so important. Sometimes it is in our hands and sometimes it is not. I like your attitude. To accept with grace is so important. Struggles just make things worst. You are very wise. Wishing you renewed health and much grace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Ginette - and nice to meet you too!

      Delete
  7. GIn, how good to find you through Effy! I would love if you would say more about your cane and your process with it as I am in that place of knowing I need to get one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Cheryl! Almost two years ago now, I started to have problems with my balance and equilibrium after having a very brief bout (several seconds) of vertigo. I'd had the brief bouts of vertigo a few times since the late 1990s but the ongoing issue with the balance and equilibrium was a new aspect - and although it wasn't (and isn't) constant, it comes and goes, and some days are bad and some times there's no problem at all, it reached the point that I was more comfortable having a cane to help me with my balance, especially when being out and about. There are some days I need a cane to help with my balance, and other times I have it with me "just in case" - while at home, most of the time I don't use it, but there have been days during the past couple of years when my balance is especially off and I've needed to use it around the house too.

      The cane in the photo is one I got 11 or 12 years ago after a broken foot led to needing physical therapy for my foot after it was immobilized in a cast for many weeks. During the first few weeks out of a cast and undergoing physical therapy, the cane was a big help. It's a foldable cane that I got on ebay - I liked that it was decorative, and I also liked that it's foldable. In the past year or so I've purchased a couple of other foldable canes (both from amazon) to keep in our cars for "just in case" - this actually came about as we've been trying to improve what we have on hand (at home as well as in vehicles) in case of emergencies or being unexpectedly stranded or something like that. The ones I have are suitable for my purpose of helping me to balance, as a proprioceptor tool - I don't need to put my whole weight on it or anything like that, not even when I was using it after my foot injury - and they're not expensive.

      Delete
    2. Coming back to add... the canes I have are foldable and also adjustable - I forgot to mention the adjustable part. I think it's important to have it at a height that's right and comfortable. Also the emotional part for me has been the mental/emotional adjustment to needing (most of the time now) a cane with me when I'm out - unlike when I needed one for just a short while after my broken bone, this has now become a regular thing (and something that still, despite specialists and tests, has no clear diagnosis) and it's been a change in my overall health. And for me, the cane is sort of like an outward symbol of that. I hope that makes sense. ♥

      Delete
  8. We have many things in common. <3 You have a great spirit. I'm glad to have found you.
    Wishing you so many more good days than bad.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yes, good health is really important. And we usually don't realize it until we don't have it. :o(

    I really love those boots! :o)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sending lots of healthy vibes. Thank you for sharing your story. I think you are indeed living with grace, :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. I understand completely where you are coming from, oh to be healthy, but at the same time the grace and strength to cope with what I have been handed in this life. Love this post......xxx

    ReplyDelete
  12. It is okay to be angry and to yell at God (He is used to it from all of us). Accepting with Grace... you are beautiful. In every way. Thank you for sharing this vulnerable post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Nolwenn. ♥ And it truly does help me to know and remember that God is used to the anger and yelling - and it's okay to be angry and yell, God understands and can take it. ♥

      Delete
  13. Thank you for sharing ... sending loving energy... (hugs)

    ReplyDelete
  14. beautiful. thanks for sharing. sending you love as you go thru your journey!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I think I could repeat everything you have said here on behalf of my son who has 2 chronic conditions, praying, pleading, railing at God, YEP, fighting against it, YEP, etc etc, but that stuff about wanting to find a place of accepting the current reality and finding a way to move forward in that, oh I so want that both for him in his experience of it and for me watching him go through it.
    Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Zoe, thank you for your comment - I'm sending many good thoughts to your son (and to you). ♥

      Delete